No family has an official list that says mom is the one breaking up arguments, dad plans every holiday, cousin Myrtle panics when grandma forgets to take her medicine, and uncle Tommy is the one causing trouble and complaining.
Although that might make things more organized because, somehow, these jobs always seem to land on the same people, you know who they are, don’t you? Maybe it’s even you.
These aren’t glamorous roles; they happen kind of automatically. You don’t think about them too much, but they’re more important than anyone’s willing to admit.
The funny thing is, once you start looking for patterns, you can’t unsee them.
So let’s call them out.
Most families that spend lots of time together and are a little collective often fall into a kind of… well, let’s call it ‘unspoken order.’
But that’s nothing too surprising since it’s pretty much in human nature to organize ourselves – look at tribes, society, groups, friendships, and well, families, of course. And as we organize ourselves, each family member usually gets assigned a role. It’s a bit unspoken, but you fall into a certain role that ends up defining you as both a family member and as a human being.
And each role comes with its own set of rules, quirks, ideologies, skills, etc.
But once the patterns are set, you can’t really shake them off just like that. It kinda grows on you and quietly becomes part of what you are. And it doesn’t help that it’s one of those things that holds the whole family together.
If you’re the ‘responsible one’, you might even be proud of your role until you’re drowning in forms, making sure the bills aren’t past due, making phone calls left and right, dealing with medical red tape, getting that lawyer to deal with the nursing home neglect claims for grandpa – pretty much everything that must be done is on your shoulders.
As important as these invisible roles are and as much as they’re the glue that keeps everyone together, they also cause people to feel stuck and sometimes even resentful.
You’ll probably be able to name who in your family fits each of these before you’re done reading.
Every family has that one person who can’t stand raised voices.
When there’s an argument that starts building up around the dinner table, the peacekeeper jumps in. They’ll crack a joke or change the subject to turn people away from conflict. They absorb a lot of stress trying to keep everyone else calm and, in doing so, they bury their own feelings.
Families run smoothly thanks to peacekeepers, but it’s an exhausting role that nobody really appreciates.
When there’s a big decision to be made, this is the person everyone looks to – the responsible one (aka the ‘adult’).
They’re the ones that handle aging parents, balance finances, health care, and endless decisions nobody else would dream of messing with. This is a tough role because you’re part leader, part punching bag when people start to resent you. You usually don’t get gratitude in return for everything you do, but without you, your family would fall apart.
The responsible one has the heaviest load to carry, and that can cause a huge amount of stress.
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People in roles as the responsible one, the caretaker, or the hero tend to have higher depressive symptoms and emotional distress. – ‘Family Roles, Family Dysfunction, and Depressive Symptoms’, The Family Journal |
Surface-level similar to the Responsible One, but fundamentally different, planners are the ones booking all the flights and then creating checklists of all the routes and venues you’ll all follow. Where you’ll stay and where you’ll eat (and when). Planners remind others what dish to bring to a family gathering, they’re making sure Christmas feels ‘Christmassy’ enough, etc.
Planners have mastered logistics.
The problem? This’s a lot of work.
Usually, all the others will sit back and relax while they leave all the planning for the planner – which can sometimes feel and come off as ungrateful.
Worriers are often perceived as being afraid, which can be misleading. What’s actually going on is that these types of roles are associated with meticulous planning and being two steps ahead.
But even though this sounds great, these ‘steps’ sometimes go rogue and go into completely unwanted and unnecessary directions.
They can see the car breaking down before anyone even leaves the house, or the flu spreading through the household, although no one was in contact with a sick person. And that’s fine on its own.
But the thing is that they’re also planning their life (and other people’s lives) around those steps and ideas.
Some parts of the past should be kept alive, and the storyteller is the one making sure that that happens.
They know who wore what to the wedding, who embarrassed themselves at a party 20 years ago, who had good grades in school, and all those other little things that would fade otherwise. They preserve traditions and pass down stories.
The only real downside is that they tend to embellish their stories, so what you hear now mightn’t be 100% true.
They don’t like tradition. They complain about rules. They stir up chaos out of boredom, and they might even sometimes create conflict.
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Firstborn children score higher on conscientiousness and achievement; later-borns tend to be more rebellious, open to experience, more agreeable. – ‘Birth Order Effects on Personality and Achievement Within Families’, Psychological Science |
And while all of this sounds bad and seems as if you have a Joker inside your house, do keep in mind that rebels also help keep the family from getting stuck in monotony.
Love them or hate them, there’s no true balance without them.
Family roles stick because it’s how everything stays balanced.
Psychologists call this a family system, where everyone plays a part to keep things predictable. Even when some roles change, like maybe a planner steps back or a rebel softens, stress usually snaps people right back into their default settings.
What’s important is that you recognize these patterns. And once you do, what’s going to happen is that some (most) of the frustration will be gone.
This is because from now on, when you see your family member being ‘difficult’, you’ll know it has nothing to do with them being innately stubborn (even though they probably are), but it has much to do with their role taking over. It’s absolutely nothing personal, nothing to do with you.
Each member of a family (even you, the reader) has a particular/specific role they play in that union. Now, you mightn’t even be aware of that – but it’s true.
If you do know which type of role you’ve adopted, then it’s easier to work around the flaws that come with it. If you don’t know yet, then that’s the first thing you should do.
The same goes for the rest of your family – check and know their roles. This way, you’ll be a better communicator, plus you’ll be able to organize yourself better (especially with the help of the planner).
